Cats: Our Alien Overlords
by: Tristan Risk "Little Miss Risk"
The other day, I was sitting with my ginger house cat, Garfield, on my couch in my living room. I took leave of my reading to lay my face next to his, and when we made eye contact, he reached a paw forward, and touched my nose. I’ve had cats all of my life, and have even worked in a vet’s office, so I feel safe in saying that I’m fairly certain there is more at work behind their enigmatic eyes, and purrs. This was this first time that I had been booped on the nose by cat, and it lead me onto a train of thought that had me thinking there is something that is not of this world when it comes to cats. This isn’t anything new to anyone who has spent time in the company of felines. Many works have been penned on cat’s and their inherent strangeness and have been known to enchant authors from T.S.Elliott to Hemingway. Most folks au fait with a cat’s sensibilities can attest to their being a very otherworldly quality to them.
It’s with this in mind that I put forth my own theory - that cats, or cats as we know them to be in a domesticated manner, are in fact, small aliens who have devised the domesticated cat based on feline genetic blueprints from larger cats. Our distant visitors, wishing to ingratiate themselves with us and study our habits and ways. I know this may seem somewhat far-fetched, but consider the advent of the domesticated cat came during ancient human times. Major monuments such as Stonehenge and the pyramids maybe have served as portals, allowing our alien Jane Goodalls and Steve Irwins to move among the people, curry their favour, and study our development as one of the more complex and dominant organisms on our planet. I’m not sure at what point that they are at in their research, but this is the ‘Grizzy Man’ style planetary reconnaissance. I’d like to offer the following indicators that I feel support this theory…
Casual domination. You get a cat with a mind to have rules in place, only to find out you’ve been sophisticatedly manipulated into allowing them to rule your roost. One of the most common instances of this is the attention power struggle. You know the one - you’ve sat down into your chair or settled into bed, and the cat decides to join you. In an effort to not disturb the cat in either your lap or on your bed, you do your very best not to shift around. Gotta go to the bathroom? Guess you’re going to rupture your bladder. Want to roll over in your sleep? The cat is comfortable and immovable on your legs under the blanket, so you’ll probably just have to stay like that until you die, or the cat leaves. Whichever comes first. But why do we do this? We are bigger, and could flip the cat off of us, but we’d sooner risk our own physical discomfort than unseat the cat.
They actually can control our thoughts. Cats have the ability to purr at a frequency that can increase bone density in the elderly, which seems like a positive thing. That same purr, however can be adjusted to a level that is unheard by humans, but rather felt. These vibrations cue nurturing instincts in humans, which is why you inexplicably wake up with a burning need to feed the cat at weird times. The ‘solicitation purr’ has been employed by cats to get humans up and out of bed for breakfast or to stop working on the computer to bestow pets. Jus acquiesce: you are running on their calendar, not the other way around.
Dominant in pop culture. Ever since the times of the Ancient Egyptians, people have been putting up pictures of cats and talking about how great they are. I have a half-assed suspicion that they alien race from which its hail are partially responsible for giving us the technology to create the internet, which has increased their popularity and notoriety among our kind. Far fetched? Maybe, but consider too that they can purr and get you do bend over backwards for them, this isn’t that unreasonable to entertain as a notion. With the advent of the internet, much like the invention of the camera, the first thing that populated it was porn and kittens, giving cats a global platform on which to control large groups of humans, by making them gather around their phones to look at cute cat pictures at parties.
They see what we don’t. Again, this is one of those instances where anyone who has had social intercourse with a cat will know: kitty has frozen still and is staring at… nothing. A director I’ve worked with has a cat who, every evening without fail, will sit and stare at the corner of the room, at the cut out of John Cena. Specifically, John Cena’s feet. What it is that hypnotizes him so has been a topic of hot debate, although interestingly enough, when the construction of that building was happening, they unearthed a First Nations burial ground. The remains were removed and reinterred in a different location, but there is that lingering threat of burial place hangover to that patch of ground. So it may well be there is some poor soul stuck in an apartment full of yuppie Vancouverites, with pestering the cat being you’re only form of entertainment for eternity. Still, one could do worse.
Communication. Cats do not meow at other cats. Cats do meow at humans. Thinking on that, that’s pretty interesting that they broke into communicating in a way that they don’t even do within their species. As far as non-primate behaviour goes, that is usually in the realm of animals that have been traditionally acknowledged as mentally advanced, your dolphins, elephants and whatnot. We have even seen, according to the Internet - which at this point I’m just going to call as the feline’s personal social media platform - they have begun to speak not only to us, but in English. Research of YouTube indicates that by sheer force of numbers, the first word every cat learns to say is ‘no’, but given the nature of cats, I can’t say that I’m totally shocked. If you need proof of this, please refer to this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRPcnpD7ycw
What is their ultimate end? To start a human nature preserve off-world, and later take over what's left of our own laggy little planet? Have they a notion to start a selective breeding program to enhance certain traits to make us more potentially favourable pets? Or maybe they forgot to grow thumbs for all the cat bodies, and now they are stuck using us in a never ending cycle of parasitic codependence. Either way, I enjoy the company of my ginger alien life form. I, for one welcome our feline/alien overlords. Provided that nepotism can get me a job as head catnip dealer...
Frances Owner:Mama Fortuna
Garfield Owner: Tristan Risk
Hudson Owner:Ruthe Ordare